Today is Sunday. Aura starts her workweek and I'm ending my weekend. With Aura working the night shift, the pacing of these days has always been a bit tricky to figure out; I can't wake up too early because I have to be up a bit late, plus I need to account for Aura going on lunch within 4-5 hours of being dropped off. It's too much time to spend on one activity (resting, chores, errands), so I have to pair activities that go well together.
Today, I spent most of my time at the jetty. There's one just down the street from us that's about a kilometer or a half-mile in length; about 20 minutes to get from start to end. The thought of actually making the trek made me a bit nervous; I had been here before when I was a kid. My older sister and I set out to reach the end (without our parents knowing, of course). We started to get tired and the sun was setting, so we decided to walk back. My mom was in hysterics and had sent a kind stranger to look for us and make sure that we were safe. We got an earful on the way home.
I packed my bag with water, snacks, my notebook, and some coffee for the journey. I drove down to the jetty, tied up my hair, and started my trek. It was intimidating, but I learned to enjoy the walk and not worry about the destination. I enjoyed the sights and sounds along the way and would stop to look out at the ocean every once in a while.
Before I knew it, I was nearing the end of the jetty. There was a small lookout tower at the end. I rushed to the end, found a nice spot to unpack, and proudly sat down on the edge of a rock. I sat there for about an hour; I used a compact telescope that I had packed in my bag to look at the boats in the distance, wrote in my journal, drank some coffee, snacked on a hardboiled egg, listened to some music, and adored the ocean sights and sounds. I even saw a sea lion for the briefest moment! If only I had my camera out at the time.
My time at the jetty was much-needed and I felt revitalized--albeit very tired--by the time I finished my trek back and got into my car. I'd like to make trips to the end of the jetty a regular thing.
I drove home, took a small nap, prepped some food, picked Aura up for her lunch break, and we came back home and watched some One Piece.
I've always had a hard time connecting with people. I'm always incredibly grateful whenever people reach out to me, and I really enjoy having conversations with people, but I have a hard time keeping up. Especially over the past few weeks, I feel like I can't hold conversations with people because I've been so tired. There's a million thoughts violenting buzzing around my head like a swarm of angry bees. It makes it really difficult to be present.
I feel awful because I know it can come across as me not being interested in the conversation or not wanting to continue it, but most of the time it couldn't be further from the truth. I have a hard time finding which topic to jump to next that is at least somewhat relevant to the conversation or the other person's interests. Although I did have someone come up to me and ask about JSchlatt, so maybe I just overthink conversations.
It sucks because I even feel this way with Aura sometimes. I feel like the things I talk about aren't interesting or that the things I talk about are so limited. Most of the time, I just tell her about what happened in my day. I'm not great at recounting details, especially in conversation. I think she enjoys when I talk about it, though.
Having four cats is mentally taxing because it feels like they're never getting enough time, love, or attention to be happy. It feels wrong to accomodate one cat more than any other cat; I bought a harness for one of our cats in a bonded pair and feel bad for not buying a harness for the other, although it doesn't really seem like the other wants to go outside. Trying to make adjustments or improvements means I have to account for four times as much work; treats have to be shared, because I don't think my cats would ever forgive me for giving a treat to only one of them and not the rest.
I've found that they are surprisingly well-behaved when it comes to playtime, though. If I whip out a teaser wand, they'll all gather around and so politely wait for their turn to play. Again, however, I need to accomodate for 4 times the amount of energy; this means that play sessions will need to be much more frequent or much longer to ensure that everyone gets ample playtime. Since I work from home, this really shouldn't be too difficult to make time for. Now, it's just a matter of setting up a consistent schedule that makes sense. They are particularly playful before meals.
I'm thinking about reaching out to a speech pathologist. I get frustrated by not being able to articulate my thoughts properly and I really enjoy connecting with people, but this is the biggest barrier. I think I've also just been stressed and haven't taken much time to be present.